Why Do I Bother?

rat

I used a story as an illustration in one of the groups I lead yesterday and I wanted to share it with you. The last time I shared this kind of thing here it was very popular so I thought I would do it again.

I was running a group on social skills for a bunch of high school aged young men. If you don’t remember, I work in a correctional facility for young men. We were talking yesterday about how to respond to feedback. This is an ongoing issue for the guys I work with. In fact, it is an expectation of their treatment program that they be able to give and recieve feedback appropriately. The problem is that they all love to give it, but they hate to receive it. Who doesn’t?

The most frequent excuse for refusing to accept feedback positively is that it wasn’t delivered in a way that was comfortable. It’s true that feedback is often dilivered as an accusation rather than in a way that seems compassionate or helpful. Perhaps you are familiar with this at your job, or maybe even at home. So the guys feel justified in refusing to accept feedback if it isn’t delivered well. They call this “throwing back a confrontation”, meaning they respond to confrontation by giving another confrontation back to the person who is trying to hold them accountable. It’s a viscious circle that never resolves.

Yesterday we talked about this in group … again. And again, one of the guys said “I wouldn’t have to get angry if he would confront me appropriately.”

Thats when I told them this story. C.S. Lewis made this analogy, and I wish I could remember in which of his writings he made it. I would appreciate it if any one could help me with the reference.

Imagine first of all that you have a basement in your house (most people don’t where I live). Imagine that you go down there every day to get whatever it is you keep in a basement; canned goods, camping supplies, tools, whatever. Every day you open the door at the top of the stairs and turn on the light. You stomp down the stairs grab what you want and stomp back up the stairs. You flip off the light, close the door, and forget about your basement until the next time you need something.

Now imagine that you decide one day to slowly open the door, leave the light off, and creep down the stairs as slowly and quietly as you can. When you finally reach the bottom of the stairs you filp on the lights and guess what you see? Rats! They scurry and scatter in all directions, hiding behind the unused matresses, shelves, and broken appliances. Who knew you had rats down there?!

Lewis said that a person’s character is like that basement (he probably said cellar). Most of the time we do just fine in our interactions with others, but once in a while somebody pushes a button when we aren’t expecting it and boy do they get an earful. We fly off the handle in a self-righteous rage. It doesn’t matter what the content of the message was. We act as if the the surprise attack justifies the ill behavior. In fact, just like the young men I work with, we often imply that the surprise attack somehow created or caused the ill behavior.

The truth is that what we see as an attack really didn’t change anything about us. It had no more affect on our character than sneaking down the stairs and flipping on the lights. Did the stealthy behavior create the rats in the basement? Weren’t they always there anyway, hiding behind the junk? Of course they were, and the same is true about the flaws in our characters. Most of the time we parctice self control and avoid letting people see our dark sides. That is until they push us to far and then we blame them for making us over react. What we really need is an exterminator.

The exterminator in this case means practicing a new way of behaving. I’m asking the guys I work with to practice behaviors that are positive even when (or especially when) they are not challenged. That way there is a stronger chance they will choose the proper behavior when the challenge comes along. I’m asking them to stop acting and then thinking about it afterwords. I’m asking them to think, think, think, and then act. Shouldn’t we all do the same thing?

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Tags: Work by Jeffrey
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My brother and his wife cooked dinner for us today, Easter. It was very good. He marinated 3 butterflied legs of lamb in different marinades then grilled them today. I love lamb.

It was also nice to see the whole family together today. That doesn’t happen very often these days. It almost didn’t happen today in fact since I usually work on Sundays, but a fortunate accident made it possible. Saturday I went into work as I always do. I unloaded all of my gear and went to sign in when the person who covers our vacation time off showed up. It was unexpected since I wasn’t aware that anyone was on VTO (vacation time off) that day. He approached me with a confused look on his face and said, “what are you doing here?” It seems that I had signed up for Saturday and Sunday off this week and had completely forgotten about it. It took me about 2 minutes to load up again and get the hell out of there. A bit embarrassing though. I’ve never done that before.

While it was nice to spend time with my family, it was even nicer to spend some time with my wife who has been away the last couple days visiting her family. We went to see a movie, “Inside Man” with Denzel Washington, and came home to eat grapes, drink wine, and play a game of cribbage. Our 3rd anniversary is coming up next month. I am still so much in love with her in spite of the fact that she recently pointed out a new gray hair where there shouldn’t be one. Use your imagination.

Technorati Tags: Easter, lamb, family, vacation, wife, gray hair

Tags: Easter, Family, Love and Marriage, Work by Jeffrey
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anger

At my job I have to deal with difficult people all the time. And when I say “all the time” I don’t mean it in that way that most people do when they say “all the time”, I mean every day, all the time. You see, I work in juvenile corrections. I’m a Group Life Coordinator which is a combination of guard, counselor, parent, mentor, babysitter, and teacher. The living unit I work on has 27 young men (adolescents) living in a confined space. They have to eat together, sleep together, watch tv together, play basketball together, and use the bathroom together. You can imagine that I’m serious when I say that in these conditions, there is always someone in some sort of crisis.

People ask me all the time how I do it. I don’t think I have any special super powers. I just do what I do, but I do know there are many things I have learned about myself and about working with difficult people over the years. That combined with a lot of patience and probably a bit of masochistic inclination are probably the winning recipe.

I wanted to share with you one of the things I have learned about dealing with difficult people. I was reminded last night by one of the youths I work closely with that this particular skill comes in handy on almost a daily basis without me even realizing it anymore. He was asking me about how to talk to his P.O. (Parole Officer) about a request that he had. His P.O. is resistant to most of his requests because in the past he has been manipulative and dishonest. In fact, he has taken manipulation and dishonesty to new levels. Currently though, he is making some efforts to do the right thing and get on with his life. Now, you and I know that this young man is really the “difficult person”. But from his perspective, his P.O. is the problem. Because of this the skill, or really a set of skills I’m going to talk about still apply. My first question to him was this, “What do you think your P.O. wants?” Which is the first step in this skill set that I’m talking about.

The first step is to determine what it is the person you are dealing with really wants.

You know what you want, but the problem is that the other person seems to want something completely different. You may be completly right and the other person may be utterly in the wrong, but stay with me here this is important. If you haven’t figured this out already you should know that unless you are holding a weapon, or have perfected the ability to control others’ minds, you are never going to be able to make someone conform to your will. You must meet people where they are at. You must try to understand what it is they want and why.

The second step is to accept it.

Now I don’t mean to imply that you have to like it. I don’t even mean that you have to agree with it. But you have to accept it. It is what it is and unless you recognise it, you will never reach this person. I remember another young man I worked with who came to us very angry. Anger problems are common among the guys I work with, but this guy was beyond that. Every time he didn’t get what he wanted he became enraged. He used foul language, squirted tears, became red faced, and inconsolable. The only thing I could do to intervene was to isolate him. Many evenings he sat on the floor (because he refused to sit in a chair) next to my chair and rocked back and forth holding his knees. He rocked back and forth while he told me over and over about how mad he was and how he didn’t have to take it anymore. If you have ever worked with someone like this you know that there is little you can do to reach a person in this state. So I accepted it. You know what else I did? I listened to him.

The third thing you must do is listen.

Almost everything that came out of this young man’s mouth during these rage sessions was a thought distortion of some sort. He made threats he couldn’t carry out. He made broad, generalized derogatory statements about staff and other youths. Because I knew I couldn’t make him change his view by pointing out his thought distortions, and because I knew that he was really angry because he was powerless and weak, I let him vent. I barely responded at all, actually. I gave him my attention, but let him go on and on until he was done. Then I handed him a tissue (sometimes a whole box) and let him go back to the group. Over the next weeks, little by little his rage sessions became less frequent and more reasonable. By listening to him I had developed trust. He believed that no one was going to listen to him, no one ever had, so instead of trying to communicate he raged. When he learned that I was just going to listen and not try to control him except to remove him from the group, he started telling me what was really bothering him. You know what else he did? He started asking me for solutions.

The fourth thing is to find a way to meet the other person’s needs.

This may seem counter productive at first. I mean, aren’t we trying to get a difficult person to see things our way? Yes, but however irrational their thinking may be, what they need has some validity. This isn’t as simple as asking what they need, however. It takes some work on your part, and maybe some expert patience and empathy to figure out what is really behind thier thinking. What the young man I’ve been telling you about really needed was to feel safe. He needed to feel that it was safe to talk to people about how he was feeling without the fear of being ridiculed or hurt as he had always been before. He didn’t know he need that, but when I gave him that by simply listening to him without judging him he stopped being so difficult. If you want to change someone’s thinking or behavior, you have to help them meet their needs in a different way.

The fifth thing you have to do is make this person an ally.

This can be very difficult, but it is essential. Somehow you have to show this person that not only do you undestand what they are saying and what they need, but you want to help them get it if you can. This does not in any way mean that you have to give in. You may need to compromise, but the goal is to create a situation that you both can live with. A calm voice, an open and unchallenging posture, and a great deal of patience are key. This young man began to come to me for help sooner and sooner until eventually he was coming to me even before he got too angry. He was beginning to trust that there were solutions that he hadn’t thought of and that I was going to help him find them. Because he trusted me I was also able to hold him accountable in ways that he would not accept from other staff who had not taken the time to try and understand him. He listend to me and accepted my feedback even when it was the exact same message that he had rejected from someone else. This brings me to the last point.

Finally, you have to explain what it is you need.

There is a reason why this is the last step, even though it is the first thing you wanted. I needed this young man to stop getting angry and causing drama and sometimes dangerous situations on the living unit. I needed him to look for solutions to problems before they got out of hand. I needed him to take some risks and try new behaviors that seemed crazy to him. Because I had taken the time to find out what he wanted, because I had accepted his wants as valid (at least from his perspective), because I had listened to him, because I had helped him to meet his needs, and because he thought of me as an ally rather than an adversary, he was willing to work with me. He took risks, he tried new behaviors, he started thinking of solutions on his own. Today I hear him giving the same messages I used to give him to the newer youths on the living unit. He gets it. And because of how he got it, he believes in it. He’s not doing this for me, although he’s fond of telling people how I “saved him”, he’s doing it for him.

It works. It takes determination and heroic patience at times, but it works.

patience

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Tags: Features, How To, Work by Jeffrey
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college

I have taken the first step. Yesterday I sent in my application and fees to Western Governors University. I plan to achieve an IT degree in either Network Administration or Network Design and Management. Both degrees interest me, but the latter is probably going to be my final choice. It will be a difficult program, but will reward me with the skills I need to land a higher paying job, as much as double my current salary or more.

I chose Western Governors University because it is entirely online which will allow me to continue to work my current job while I study. It is a competency based program which allows me to study at a faster pace if I am able and pass competencies to gain credit. The school is regionaly accredited by the same commissions that accredit the U of O, U of W, etc… I should be able to complete my degree in 2 to 2 1/2 years.

I will let you know as soon as I hear back from them, but I’m sure there won’t be a problem. Wish me luck.

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Another job interview down, and still no job. In this sytem there is an awful lot of competition and it is especially so now with the recent changes in upper management around here. People are anxious to move on. 23 people interviewed for the last position I went for. So, part of the problem is that I am one man in a very large pool of desperate men. Ok … that desperate men part makes me sound like a criminal, but you get the point.

I have been over this in my mind, and in conversations with my wife and one thing I know for sure is that it isn’t my qualifications that are in question. I know for sure that I am more qualified in terms of training and experience than at least half of the applicants going for these positions. So what is it?

It could be me. It could be that I just don’t interview as well as I think I do. As time goes on I have become more discouraged and have probably put less energy into my interviews, although recently I have had a couple very good ones.

Another possibility is that I may have pissed someone off somewhere that I just don’t know about. This could be possible also. I have a habit of being straightforward. I try very hard not to be painfully honest, but I don’t hide from the truth either. I can’t think of a time when this has been a problem, but I can imagine it happening without me being aware.

Whatever the reason, I have been very discouraged. So much so that I have decided finally that my future probably does not rest here with the State of Oregon. I have begun the process of researching schools and the plan is to complete my bachelor’s degree and move on. I am so close to completing it anyway, I don’t know why I haven’t done it before now.

The hardest part about all of this for me is coming to grips with having spent the last 13 years of my life in a job that I thought was the last one I would need. I have a lot of time and energy invested here and it’s hard to give that up. At the same time, it is impossible to accept staying in this position until I retire. I may have an inflated perception of my own worth, but I’m better than that.

So, another new adventure is about to begin in my life. At the very least, I will have more material to blog about.

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I’ve devoted a lot of space on my blog lately to anything but blogging. Not that I’m not still concerned about traffic, or my renters, or Wordpress updates, but there are more important things going on that I seem to be avoiding. Like what?

Like the house for example. Did you know that it has been raining here for 40 days and 40 nights and if I had an Ark I could float it down the creek running through our backyard? The ground has been so saturated that the banks of the creek are collapsing. This spring I have to dig up my entire yard and install a drainage system that drains into the creek, then I have to rebuild the creek bed with concrete and wood. Then I have to remove some trees and replant the lawn.

I also haven’t told you about my job lately. Did you know that I didn’t get a job that I interviewed for a while back? Did you know that I have interviewed for another job since then and I have another interview next wednesday? The first interview was for a parole/probation officer with Marion County, the second was for a parole/probation assistant, and the third is for a unit coordinator here at MacLaren.

I haven’t told you about my brother being selected for the lead role in a local film. He’s a very talented actor and I’m pretty excited for him. You can read all about his new role on his blog. He’s also the one who gave me the great new header for this site. Thanks, Chris.

I haven’t told you that Mel and I have been going to the gym every week. I could be doing better, but on the other hand I am doing better. As much as I love the feeling of being healthy, I hate going to the gym. It makes me grumpy. But the I-pod Mel bought me for Christmas, and the headphones she got me for my birthday make it much more enjoyable. It’s also a good way for us to spend time together.

Did I also tell you that I’m overusing my technorati powers?

… Phew … I feel better now.

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Tags: Family, Health, Home, Love and Marriage, Work by Jeffrey
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