“I’m not making any difference”
We are going through some particularly tough times right now at work. There are a number of changes happening, most of them unwanted and unwarrented. To those of us on the front lines it feels like these changes are being made without concern for how they may affect the people who have to live with them day after day. Morale is very low, stress is very high, and there seems to be no end in sight. Staff, and even some managers, are leaving for greener pastures or retiring at an alarming rate.
On top of all of this, the agency is also seeing surge of difficult youths entering the system. Our youths are always difficult, but what I mean is that their committing crimes are more serious on average, and their personal and environmental contributors are becoming more complicated on average. Mental health issues seem to be on the rise, as well as drug and alcohol abuse. Over the years we have these surges of problem youths pretty regularly. It seems to be some sort of pendulum effect. I have some ideas about what causes these swings, but that is for another post.
Our living unit has a culture that promotes peer and group accountablity. We have a few youths who have done fairly well in their treatment programs and they act as mentors for the newer and younger youths. It’s a system that works well. All of the changes happening have begun to infect the peer culture on the unit as well, however. The mentors are starting to feel the strain and they are still young men with problems themselves.
The other night, one of our mentors came to talk to me as he has done many many times during his stay. He was very frustrated and discouraged about a particular young man in his group who does not seem to be responding to him. Indeed, this other young man is a source of frustration for staff as well. He just doesn’t seem interested in changing. For several minutes I listened as the mentor told me about all the things he had tried to tell this other youth in order to help him, but to no avail. “I’m not making any difference,” he told me.
As he spoke, I found myself thinking not about the problems that the younger youth was having. Instead I found myself recalling the many problems we had with him (the mentor) when he first arrived. He was one of our greatest challenges at that time, in fact. I asked him if he remembered those days, sheepishly he told me that he did remember. I asked him if he remembered people in his past who had tried to help him but he had turned away, again he remembered. He told me that I was one of those people. I asked him if he could tell me anything specific about what I or any other person had said that was the key to him becoming more successful as he was today, but he wasn’t able.
It wasn’t that the things I said to him, or that other people had said to him were not important and helpful. It’s just that these things became a part of a bigger picture and the details were lost. What he did remember very well about me and about others who had helped him was the amount and the quality of time that we had spent with him. In fact, I think this was even more important than any words that passed between us.
He remembered the many hours I had spent with him listening to him without judgement, offering help and advice, and caring for him. I assured him that his time spent with his peers was not wasted either. Even if he never got to see the results, he was adding to a resevoir of positive influence that would someday pay off. They will remember him the same way he remembers me.
I’ll edit and re-post this in a bit. I just wanted you all to see my nephew R.J. at his best. R.J., Joe, and Kayla, our nephews and neice from California stayed with us for a couple days at the beginning of this week. We drove them up to meet Aunt Emily halfway to Seattle. The poor kids were so tired! Anyway … I’ll give you more of the story on my long week later. If you get this post by email, you probably won’t receive the edited version so you might want to check the site later tonight.
) to come help though.