rat
I used a story as an illustration in one of the groups I lead yesterday and I wanted to share it with you. The last time I shared this kind of thing here it was very popular so I thought I would do it again.
I was running a group on social skills for a bunch of high school aged young men. If you don’t remember, I work in a correctional facility for young men. We were talking yesterday about how to respond to feedback. This is an ongoing issue for the guys I work with. In fact, it is an expectation of their treatment program that they be able to give and recieve feedback appropriately. The problem is that they all love to give it, but they hate to receive it. Who doesn’t?
The most frequent excuse for refusing to accept feedback positively is that it wasn’t delivered in a way that was comfortable. It’s true that feedback is often dilivered as an accusation rather than in a way that seems compassionate or helpful. Perhaps you are familiar with this at your job, or maybe even at home. So the guys feel justified in refusing to accept feedback if it isn’t delivered well. They call this “throwing back a confrontation”, meaning they respond to confrontation by giving another confrontation back to the person who is trying to hold them accountable. It’s a viscious circle that never resolves.
Yesterday we talked about this in group … again. And again, one of the guys said “I wouldn’t have to get angry if he would confront me appropriately.”
Thats when I told them this story. C.S. Lewis made this analogy, and I wish I could remember in which of his writings he made it. I would appreciate it if any one could help me with the reference.
Imagine first of all that you have a basement in your house (most people don’t where I live). Imagine that you go down there every day to get whatever it is you keep in a basement; canned goods, camping supplies, tools, whatever. Every day you open the door at the top of the stairs and turn on the light. You stomp down the stairs grab what you want and stomp back up the stairs. You flip off the light, close the door, and forget about your basement until the next time you need something.
Now imagine that you decide one day to slowly open the door, leave the light off, and creep down the stairs as slowly and quietly as you can. When you finally reach the bottom of the stairs you filp on the lights and guess what you see? Rats! They scurry and scatter in all directions, hiding behind the unused matresses, shelves, and broken appliances. Who knew you had rats down there?!
Lewis said that a person’s character is like that basement (he probably said cellar). Most of the time we do just fine in our interactions with others, but once in a while somebody pushes a button when we aren’t expecting it and boy do they get an earful. We fly off the handle in a self-righteous rage. It doesn’t matter what the content of the message was. We act as if the the surprise attack justifies the ill behavior. In fact, just like the young men I work with, we often imply that the surprise attack somehow created or caused the ill behavior.
The truth is that what we see as an attack really didn’t change anything about us. It had no more affect on our character than sneaking down the stairs and flipping on the lights. Did the stealthy behavior create the rats in the basement? Weren’t they always there anyway, hiding behind the junk? Of course they were, and the same is true about the flaws in our characters. Most of the time we parctice self control and avoid letting people see our dark sides. That is until they push us to far and then we blame them for making us over react. What we really need is an exterminator.
The exterminator in this case means practicing a new way of behaving. I’m asking the guys I work with to practice behaviors that are positive even when (or especially when) they are not challenged. That way there is a stronger chance they will choose the proper behavior when the challenge comes along. I’m asking them to stop acting and then thinking about it afterwords. I’m asking them to think, think, think, and then act. Shouldn’t we all do the same thing?
Technorati Tags: social skills, feedback, confrontation, C.S. Lewis, behavior
Tags: Work by Jeffrey
3 Comments »
I’ll edit and re-post this in a bit. I just wanted you all to see my nephew R.J. at his best. R.J., Joe, and Kayla, our nephews and neice from California stayed with us for a couple days at the beginning of this week. We drove them up to meet Aunt Emily halfway to Seattle. The poor kids were so tired! Anyway … I’ll give you more of the story on my long week later. If you get this post by email, you probably won’t receive the edited version so you might want to check the site later tonight.
) to come help though.
Gemini May 21 - June 21