Ok, this is actually post 105, but I missed my opportunity and I wanted to celebrate it anyway. A lot has happened over the last 100 posts. The first post was back on November 17, 2005. If you have the time, feel free to look through the archives. This blog has grown incredibly in readership over the past few months and is by far my most successful blog. Thank you all for coming here to see what I’m doing. I especially thank those of you who keep coming back!
Sadly, we have returned from our weekend at Breitenbush Hot Springs. If you live anywhere near this area at all, I really recommend that you take a weekend and go. They have cabins for rent that we have stayed in on other trips, but this year we stayed in a cabin nearby that is owned by some friends. Thanks Keri and Greg!
There are so many wonderful things about this place that I don’t know where to begin. Maybe with the food. Everything is organic and vegetarian. I never dreamed there could be so much variety in vegetarian cooking. One night we had tofu fritters over braised asian greens that were amazing. On another night we had a pear and blueberry puffed pastry that made me wish I had skipped dinner to save room for dessert.
There are hot spring pools for soaking. I love the pools and would make the trip just for them. The place was a little more crowded than Mel and I expected which detracts from the enjoyment somewhat. When the pools are heavily used it tends to stir up whatever organic material has settled on the bottom between cleanings. There’s also the whole “human stew” factor that Mel likes to remind me of. Clothing is optional in the pools, but I have rarely seen anyone choose this option. I am quite comfortable with nudity, but if you are planning on going it is something to consider. There are sometimes children present, although I have rarely seen any children older than about 5 or 6. Mel and I took her mother one afternoon a couple years ago and we wore swim suits to honor her modesty. I have never felt more naked.
The Breitenbush River is swimable in the summer months. It is beautiful and calming to watch in the winter months. The entire Breitenbush Hot Springs Resort is powered by a hydroelectric system in the river, and by geothermal energy. You can get a tour of the facility that explains how everything works. This place is truly off the grid.
There are many trails for hiking in the area, including the one we took into an ancient old growth forest. Breathtaking. I have included pictures below which are beautiful, but do not really do it justice. The picture above is also from the same hike. There is a great picture of Mel in one of the pools, but she won’t let me post it. Go figure.
Mel and I each got a 90 minute massage as well. You have to arrange this in advance, but there are some skilled massage therapists there. If you have never done this, you will not regret it.
The best thing about the weekend however, was the time that Mel and I got to spend together finally. We talked, we read, we held hands and walked, it was a much needed retreat. Even the time we spent sitting near each other and reading was healing and repleneshing for our relationship. I read a whole book in two sittings that I will review in a later post.
Technorati Tags: Breitenbush, Hot Springs, cabin, organic, vegetarian, human stew, nudity, naked, Breitenbush River, hydroelectric, geothermal, off the grid, hiking, old growth, massage, together, retreat, healing, repleneshing, relationship
Finally, Mel and I are taking a much needed break from work and getting away for the weekend. This time together!
We are borrowing a cabin in the mountain from some friends and getting out of here. It’s very near our favorite hot springs where we will be spending much of our time soaking and enjoying each other. We will be living exclusively on the organic vegetarian cuisine that is served by the hot springs in their lodge. Exclusively that is except for the cheetos and beer that we are bringing along. On Sunday we both have 90 minute massages scheduled. I can’t tell you how much I am looking forward to that!
We are actually getting ready to leave right now, so I must get going. We will be back on Monday afternoon. See you then!
Technorati Tags: weekend, together, cabin, mountain, hot springs, organic, vegetarian
Well I am beginning to get back on my feet again after open heart surgery. They were pretty invasive this time seeing that I had no options. I would like to sometime tell about what Transmyocardial Revascularization is. All I really know for sure is that they punched 30 holes in the front of my heart. They think this will encourage the growth of a new capilary system to feed that part of my heart that is blood starved.
I’m walking on my hind legs again. I got approval to work in my shop again and to drive my car. What else could possibly matter? I finished my first work “P.S.” (post surgery) and I am sending along a picture to share.
There has been some other exciting news on the career front. Last week I attended a small exhibition for the local city club of a nearby city. There were several artist represented and lots of beautiful works. I had no idea how it would be accepted. At the end of a long and too full agenda the city club members were offered an opportunity to look at the exhibitor’s stuff.
I was approached, not by a city club member, but by a gallery owner. He came to my table and inquired… did you do all this work. I averred that I had. He asked “Why isn’t it my gallery?” I agreed to visit his gallery and discuss the fit.
John Hawk is a prominent artist in his own right and is in fact an important Native American artist. I was impressed that a man of his stature would include my work in his gallery. On Friday I took my work to his store. I took just three pieces. I took two of my segmented pots that have significant indian motifs and one simple pot that I have not exhibited anywhere thinking that it was too plain. I went back on Saturday to sit as long as I could on the cities “Art Walk” day. All of the galleries were open and featuring special artists. Within thirty minutes of opening guess what sold. It was that simple pot and at a price I could not have estimated. Go figure.
I am feeling anxious to have my sons working with me in my shop again. There are both so busy with there own active lives but some how it seems important to pass on what I know before it is too late.
I haven’t got my pots on the website yet but will be doing so in the next few days. Check it out at www.heirloompens.com
This one is hard maple and jatoba wood with two spirals made of the jatoba. It is the tallest I have made so far at 10 1/2 inches and 7 inches diameter. It pushed the limits of my small lathe but it made me feel good to be able to work again after surgery.
Richard Benham
Heirloom Woodworking
check out my website at
http://www.heirloompens.com
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At my job I have to deal with difficult people all the time. And when I say “all the time” I don’t mean it in that way that most people do when they say “all the time”, I mean every day, all the time. You see, I work in juvenile corrections. I’m a Group Life Coordinator which is a combination of guard, counselor, parent, mentor, babysitter, and teacher. The living unit I work on has 27 young men (adolescents) living in a confined space. They have to eat together, sleep together, watch tv together, play basketball together, and use the bathroom together. You can imagine that I’m serious when I say that in these conditions, there is always someone in some sort of crisis.
People ask me all the time how I do it. I don’t think I have any special super powers. I just do what I do, but I do know there are many things I have learned about myself and about working with difficult people over the years. That combined with a lot of patience and probably a bit of masochistic inclination are probably the winning recipe.
I wanted to share with you one of the things I have learned about dealing with difficult people. I was reminded last night by one of the youths I work closely with that this particular skill comes in handy on almost a daily basis without me even realizing it anymore. He was asking me about how to talk to his P.O. (Parole Officer) about a request that he had. His P.O. is resistant to most of his requests because in the past he has been manipulative and dishonest. In fact, he has taken manipulation and dishonesty to new levels. Currently though, he is making some efforts to do the right thing and get on with his life. Now, you and I know that this young man is really the “difficult person”. But from his perspective, his P.O. is the problem. Because of this the skill, or really a set of skills I’m going to talk about still apply. My first question to him was this, “What do you think your P.O. wants?” Which is the first step in this skill set that I’m talking about.
The first step is to determine what it is the person you are dealing with really wants.
You know what you want, but the problem is that the other person seems to want something completely different. You may be completly right and the other person may be utterly in the wrong, but stay with me here this is important. If you haven’t figured this out already you should know that unless you are holding a weapon, or have perfected the ability to control others’ minds, you are never going to be able to make someone conform to your will. You must meet people where they are at. You must try to understand what it is they want and why.
The second step is to accept it.
Now I don’t mean to imply that you have to like it. I don’t even mean that you have to agree with it. But you have to accept it. It is what it is and unless you recognise it, you will never reach this person. I remember another young man I worked with who came to us very angry. Anger problems are common among the guys I work with, but this guy was beyond that. Every time he didn’t get what he wanted he became enraged. He used foul language, squirted tears, became red faced, and inconsolable. The only thing I could do to intervene was to isolate him. Many evenings he sat on the floor (because he refused to sit in a chair) next to my chair and rocked back and forth holding his knees. He rocked back and forth while he told me over and over about how mad he was and how he didn’t have to take it anymore. If you have ever worked with someone like this you know that there is little you can do to reach a person in this state. So I accepted it. You know what else I did? I listened to him.
The third thing you must do is listen.
Almost everything that came out of this young man’s mouth during these rage sessions was a thought distortion of some sort. He made threats he couldn’t carry out. He made broad, generalized derogatory statements about staff and other youths. Because I knew I couldn’t make him change his view by pointing out his thought distortions, and because I knew that he was really angry because he was powerless and weak, I let him vent. I barely responded at all, actually. I gave him my attention, but let him go on and on until he was done. Then I handed him a tissue (sometimes a whole box) and let him go back to the group. Over the next weeks, little by little his rage sessions became less frequent and more reasonable. By listening to him I had developed trust. He believed that no one was going to listen to him, no one ever had, so instead of trying to communicate he raged. When he learned that I was just going to listen and not try to control him except to remove him from the group, he started telling me what was really bothering him. You know what else he did? He started asking me for solutions.
The fourth thing is to find a way to meet the other person’s needs.
This may seem counter productive at first. I mean, aren’t we trying to get a difficult person to see things our way? Yes, but however irrational their thinking may be, what they need has some validity. This isn’t as simple as asking what they need, however. It takes some work on your part, and maybe some expert patience and empathy to figure out what is really behind thier thinking. What the young man I’ve been telling you about really needed was to feel safe. He needed to feel that it was safe to talk to people about how he was feeling without the fear of being ridiculed or hurt as he had always been before. He didn’t know he need that, but when I gave him that by simply listening to him without judging him he stopped being so difficult. If you want to change someone’s thinking or behavior, you have to help them meet their needs in a different way.
The fifth thing you have to do is make this person an ally.
This can be very difficult, but it is essential. Somehow you have to show this person that not only do you undestand what they are saying and what they need, but you want to help them get it if you can. This does not in any way mean that you have to give in. You may need to compromise, but the goal is to create a situation that you both can live with. A calm voice, an open and unchallenging posture, and a great deal of patience are key. This young man began to come to me for help sooner and sooner until eventually he was coming to me even before he got too angry. He was beginning to trust that there were solutions that he hadn’t thought of and that I was going to help him find them. Because he trusted me I was also able to hold him accountable in ways that he would not accept from other staff who had not taken the time to try and understand him. He listend to me and accepted my feedback even when it was the exact same message that he had rejected from someone else. This brings me to the last point.
Finally, you have to explain what it is you need.
There is a reason why this is the last step, even though it is the first thing you wanted. I needed this young man to stop getting angry and causing drama and sometimes dangerous situations on the living unit. I needed him to look for solutions to problems before they got out of hand. I needed him to take some risks and try new behaviors that seemed crazy to him. Because I had taken the time to find out what he wanted, because I had accepted his wants as valid (at least from his perspective), because I had listened to him, because I had helped him to meet his needs, and because he thought of me as an ally rather than an adversary, he was willing to work with me. He took risks, he tried new behaviors, he started thinking of solutions on his own. Today I hear him giving the same messages I used to give him to the newer youths on the living unit. He gets it. And because of how he got it, he believes in it. He’s not doing this for me, although he’s fond of telling people how I “saved him”, he’s doing it for him.
It works. It takes determination and heroic patience at times, but it works.
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This weeks renter is “Just Expressing Myself“. Those of you who frequent BlogExplosion may know her as “coffeebarchick“. She describes herself as a 40ish female New Yorker who loves to express herself. Please visit her site and let her know you got there from here. You won’t be sorry.
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